The other week I received an email from a friend, basically asking how I was and also shedding light on what my experience meant to her. She was very gracious with her outpouring of spiritual honesty and humbling notions. By no other means but her own gatherings, I believe that she grasped the term accompaniment, and can understand why it is such a focal point for me as a Young Adult in Global Mission. I was elated to hear from a YAGM outsider who understood the importance of simply being, loving and being peaceful in my foreign surroundings. But, whether she knew it or not, my friend alluded to things about herself that I began to see in myself at home and here in South Africa.
In the email, my friend discussed how she has never really been outgoing in her Christianity and faith. She tends to internalize it and that God means so much to her that she really keeps her feelings close. The term ‘selfish spirituality’ was used, which automatically triggered a thought process for me. Is there such a thing as ‘selfish spirituality?’ I had to sit back and think about this one. I had never thought about being selfish in terms of my faith journey, or relationship with God.
Despite being a PK-squared, (Pastor’s kid) I haven’t been one to wear my faith on my sleeve, or anywhere else for that matter. I just have always had a more personal relationship with God, and have always internalized the spiritual things in my life. I, like many other people, have had my ups and downs with my faith. I have experienced things that made complete sense to me, and others that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. A turning point in my faith came when my mother was diagnosed with cancer in the spring of 2009. My first reactions were to run to God, looking for an embrace of comfort and peace. But my longing for comfort quickly turned into anger and confusion. Why? How? WHY?? As I finally began to settle down and realize the strength that was going to be needed by our entire family, I began to open up. My spirituality became the opposite of internalized. My sisters and I shared Biblical texts that helped us get through the tough days and sleepless nights. Every minute of every day was spent praying, calling on the Lord to bring strength to my hero, my mom. During those 6 or so months, I found the comfort, embrace and strength of God through prayer and my open spirituality. It was refreshing to share my feelings with others, and together we prayed and proclaimed our faith in Christ that my mom beat her sickness. And thanks to the grace of God, my mother was healed of her cancer and has been healthy ever since. However, as her health has increased, my public spirituality has decreased.
That is, until I started living in South Africa. It started with having two country coordinators who have wonderful, intellectual, common-sense yet intricate ways of explaining their faith and beliefs. I have been able to share my thoughts and beliefs with the other YAGM volunteers, and we have had meaningful discussions about the topic. I then arrived at my placement site, an orphanage deeply rooted in faith and not afraid to show it. My supervisors at Lebone are people of loving faith who give it all up to God and have faith that it will work out. And then there were the ELCSA services each Sunday, entirely in Sesotho without any English at all. Was it by pure design of the program that I was encountering such circumstances? Or was it simply the way South Africans are about their faith, open and external? I think a mixture of both.
There are certain things that a program can plan, such as placements in faith-based organizations with good spiritual intentions. But there has been so much more that a program cannot plan for that has happened to me while being here. The YAGM program cannot plan for complete strangers to be so welcoming to me, and so willing to join me on my faith journey. The YAGM program cannot plan for women in church taking notes on the sermon, and then showing me the notes which they write in English so I could understand. The YAGM program cannot plan for such euphoric actions of praise and worship on Sundays and the smiles and happiness in each of the people’s faces in church. Yes, the YAGM program is one well planned, organized and articulated, but there are surely things no one but God can plan for.
As I am now settled into my site and have been living in South Africa for two months, I can express myself spiritually and feel comfortable doing so. I now feel comfortable dancing and clapping in church, although you probably wouldn’t call what I do dancing. I also look forward to experiencing prayers over meals with people that are important in my life here. I can’t help but smile every time I share in a spiritual experience with someone here. I am overtaken with the joy and blissful emotions when I hear people describe their love of God.
So as I continue on my faith journey, ensuring accompaniment is my guide, I am no longer hesitant to shout ‘Amen!’ in church, dance my way up the aisle to give my offering, or join in on a popular Christian chorus with some of the children at Lebone. I am here to learn from the people around me, which I absolutely have thus far. And one of the major things I’ve learned is that ‘selfish spirituality’ doesn’t exist in South Africa. Learning about my spirituality is an ongoing process, and will take its twists and turns with the twists and turns of life. And as I have transformed from spiritually internalized to spiritually externalized, I can now rejoice and look forward to the time when my dancing in church improves.
This blog entry was written for the ELCA MUD3 blog, which can be viewed at:
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